Depression: Unrealistic Expectations for Happiness?

In working with people who struggle with depression, there has been a noticeable pattern of how people tend to approach the idea of happiness. The fantasized expectation is that a person becomes happy, and then stays this way…forever. If, at any point, the happiness goes away, then it means they’ve become depressed again and have failed in their quest to maintain happiness, and are therefore “not happy.”

Sound reasonable? It isn’t. It’s a perfectionistic belief that is bound to cause defeat — which is what generally happens with fantasies of perfection. Though depression isn’t as simple as a product of a distorted perception of happiness, the mindset that people “become happy” and fully leave sadness behind can make it tougher to fight against depression.

States of happiness don’t last forever without interruption. Emotional states are temporary. It’s possible to be an overall happy person while still having days, hours, and moments of sadness or lethargy. Striving for happiness that will last uninterrupted can only result in failure, and only increase feelings that you can’t achieve happiness, which will only exacerbate the depression.

There are also varying degrees of happiness. People often mistake excitement for happiness. This is the fantasy that being happy means walking around in a smiley, energetic, overactive state, having engaging conversations with everyone, and nearly becoming the life of the party in all life’s contexts. This is the fantasy of manic happiness. If this was happiness, people would be exhausted from being happy, and also would be denying the experience of other necessary emotions. Happiness isn’t meant to be an exhausting feeling or even a constant feeling.

The lesson here is to learn to allow room for a range of emotions, and to take notice of the positive emotions you experience, even if they’re currently a smaller part of the picture. The ability to understand that emotional states are temporary will hopefully lead to more of an acceptance of all of our emotions, including happiness. The problem comes when we dismiss the other emotions and focus only on the feelings of depression. So, if you feel depressed ten hours a day, and feel balanced and content three hours of the day, and happy for a half hour, people tend to dismiss those balanced and happy hours and only count the depressed hours since it was the bulk of the day. In the end, this disregard of non-depressive emotions leaves a person under the impression that they’re constantly depressed, and only reinforces the depression.

Sounds too simple to really make a difference, right? However, taking more notice of positive emotional moments will start a process of opening us to other states of emotion we experience, which will eventually shrink the pressure of the sadness and depression. The more we can allow room for other emotional states, the less room there will be for depressive states. People are amazed when they find that they may have 30 minutes of happiness or enjoyment in their day, even if they felt down for the remainder of the day. The more we can regard the existence of positive emotion in our lives, and the more we learn what causes positive emotions for us, the greater the likelihood that we can come to experience more happiness.

Relationship Killer: “You should have known what I want…”

Mind-reading. It’s one of the easiest ways to cause ruptures in friendships or in relationships. It’s not the people who try to read minds that cause the problem, it’s the ones who hope or expect that the other person will read their mind that becomes problematic.

This is a very common phenomenon. It usually comes out as, “get a clue”, “you should just know what I want”, “can’t you take a hint?”, etc.

The hope is that someone will do something nice without being asked, or it can be used in the negative — hoping that someone will know when to give space or not do something. But it usually doesn’t turn out as hoped.

“Get a clue” is often used when someone hopes they’ve given enough signals to indicate what they want or don’t want. However, this is passive-aggressive, even when the clues are seemingly obvious. Passive-aggression will cause problems even if the clues are read “correctly” because it represents a gap in communication and leaves significant room for error in interpretation. It also means that something isn’t being communicated, even if the signals are being read as hoped — a person may figure out that the clues say to stay away from a person, but the reasons and motivation are still not being addressed. Generally, passive types of communication cause more trouble than being direct.

“You should just know what I want” is more of a wish of a fantasy. This usually comes out in relationships in response to one partner not coming through in the way the other hoped. “You should just know that I wanted to be left alone,” or “You should have just known that I want to spend Saturday with you,” or any others. It would be great if everyone always knew what their partners wanted, but it’s not always so simple.

The idea here is that whenever communication is indirect or based on clues and hopes, it’s likely that there will be disappointment and frustration when the clues are misread, or missed altogether. There are so many ways to interpret clues and hints, that even someone who knows you well can misread the intent. Though it may ruin the fantasy by directly communicating wants, needs, and desires — asking for a hug instead of the satisfying feeling of your partner just figuring it out — direct communication will help ensure you’re on the same page. For how few times the mind-reading game actually works out, many disappointments, arguments, frustrations, hurt feelings, and even breakups could be avoided by remembering that people around us can’t always read our minds. There are other ways to fulfill fantasies than silently waiting and building frustration.

If you want something, or don’t want something, say it. If you want someone to figure it out on their own, be prepared for disappointment when it doesn’t go the way you want.

10 Signs You May Be in an Unhealthy Relationship

Technically, a relationship needs to only be defined by the people who are in the relationship. What is a “good (or healthy) relationship” for two people may be completely different than a “good (or healthy) relationship” for two other people.

However, there is a difference between a relationship having its own shape and character, and a relationship that is either harmful or generally unhealthy for one or both partners. These relationships can be difficult to spot from the inside because one or both partners grow accustomed to the life of the relationship. Denial can also be a factor due to fears of change, failure, or otherwise. So while it may seem like it should be obvious when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it isn’t always so simple.

Here are some signs of concern within relationships. Note, the presence of one or more of the following signs doesn’t necessarily mean you should end your relationship. These are things to keep an eye on, and if they persist, may need further attention in order to improve the state of your relationship.

1) Hitting. Relationships are going to have their share of arguments and disagreements. This is normal. However, when one or both partners crosses the line into hitting, even if it’s just one punch and not an all-out brawl, this is a concern. One punch is still abuse, no matter the gender of the aggressor.

2) Name-calling. Arguments are rarely pleasant (though at times relationships tend to feed off of them, for better or worse). Name-calling, however, crosses the boundary from a heated disagreement into hostile disrespect and disregard for your partner. Name-calling is verbal abuse, is contemptuous, disrespectful, and only tears your partner down. It doesn’t have a productive quality to it for the relationship.

3) Lack of support. While it’s not possible for each partner to always be supportive in the desired moments, it becomes problematic when goals, achievements, desires, and other forms of personal life fulfillment are constantly met with resistance and negativity by your partner. While a partner can’t always be expected to be supportive of everything, a healthy relationship generally has a sense of overall support between the partners. Without this, resentment and frustration eats away at the relationship.

4) Forced to answer to your partner. There’s a difference between coordinating with your partner out of common respect for each other, whether it’s for scheduling social or work events, coordinating child care, or otherwise, and having to actually receive permission from your partner to see friends, spend money, etc. This is a form of being controlled, and often appears in the form of one partner controlling the other’s spending, who the partner associates with, and keeping tabs on everything the partner does. This is also a form of psychological abuse.

5) Feeling angry or resentful of your partner. It’s one thing to be angry or annoyed with your partner, at times. This is normal in relationships. However, if there’s a general sense of resentment and anger towards your partner that overarches your relationship, this isn’t healthy. Something is going on that needs to be addressed before it erodes the relationship.

6) Pressure to abandon children of previous relationships (often in second marriages). Second marriages, especially when children from previous marriages are involved, can add dimensions to relationship conflicts and boundary violations. These can range from forcing a partner to choose between them and the partner’s kids from a previous relationship (seeking relationship priority), and actually forcing a partner to change wills, assets, and other end of life plans into their inheritance priority and control. There’s usually an indication of abandonment if the partner doesn’t comply. While some people give in to this, whether out of fear of abandonment, or otherwise, this is a form of insecurity, entitlement, manipulation, and control that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

7) Ultimatums and threats. Healthy relationships tend to have healthy forms of communication. Ultimatums and threats signal frustration and resentment — an attempt to dominate and control the partner. There is more going on in the relationship that needs to be addressed if ultimatums and threats are being made.

8) Dictating discussions. Whether it’s through stonewalling or directly dictating when discussions end or begin, this is another form of control. This represents not only control, but a breakdown in communication. Dictating endings leaves one partner destroyed and impotent, and sets up a superior/inferior dynamic. While this dynamic can technically work for some relationships, it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship, as it sets up a destructive dynamic where one rules the other (forcing conversations on your partner before they’re ready to have them is also a problematic relationship behavior). The idea is to re-visit the conversation when both are ready. But if one hopes to end the conversation without revisiting the issues, the problems will remain present in the relationship.

9) Cheating. While this may seem obvious to some, people who experience an unfaithful relationship don’t always see cheating as a relationship issue as much as a sign of personal shortcoming or failure — that their partner had to make up for their shortcomings by going outside the relationship. This kind of rationale often covers the fear of losing the relationship. It is taken on as a personal issue, rather than an interpersonal relationship issue (or even as the cheating partner’s issue). While relationships can recover from cheating, cheating is a sign of something unhealthy within the relationship dynamic. The cheating partner may carry significant responsibility of the act, however if the relationship was functioning at a healthy level, cheating likely wouldn’t come into the picture.

10) Embarrassment of your partner. This shows up in various ways, but may come in the form of resisting having friends or family meet your partner, intentionally avoiding mentioning your partner in conversations, or speaking negatively about your partner to people who aren’t close with you (as opposed to venting relationship frustrations to a close friend, which is a normal way to cope with stress). These are indications of desire to keep your partner away, rather than joined with you.

There are other issues that aren’t listed here, but the main themes that signal an unhealthy relationship are forms of abuse, control, and blatant disrespect and disregard of the partner (it can be from one partner to the other, or back-and-forth between both partners). It’s important to keep in mind that relationships can become healthy again, often with the help of couples therapy. An unhealthy relationship doesn’t automatically mean it’s time to break up. However, if the issues continue, or there is an unwillingness from your partner to work together on these relationship issues, then a decision will eventually need to be made.

Here’s a quick difference between men and boys. Men take women out on dates. Boys want to “hang out.” Clearly, taking women out on dates is the superior move. Still, a lot of guys aren’t sure how to ask out a woman. It’s not something at which our generation excels. A lot of guys need a few pointers on how to do this the right way (and how to summon the courage to do it at all).

When you go out on a limb like this, you’re going to run the very real risk of getting totally shot down. That’s fine. The only people who never get shot down are people who never try.

Fortunately, giving men pointers on how to do things the right way is what I do for a living. So read on for six key steps to asking a girl out on a date, as well as an important bonus tip.

Step 1: Know What You Want to Do
Nothing is more annoying than having someone call to make plans without any idea of what they actually want to do. When you call a woman for a date, you need to have something to do. In fact, you need to have three things to do, because she might not like the first one. If you “pitch” her three and she’s not interested in any of them, you can be confident that she just doesn’t want to go out with you.

Step 2: Steel Yourself for Rejection
When you go out on a limb like this, you’re going to run the very real risk of getting totally shot down. That’s fine. The only people who never get shot down are people who never try to do anything. But you should be ready for that when you call. Hope for the best and plan for the worst, which in this case means that she’ll just say “no.”

Step 3: Call Her
On the phone. Don’t ask her out via text message or Facebook chat or whatever. You need to pick up your fancy-ass smartphone and actually dial her number. This shows that you’re a confident man, and it gives you a far better stance from which to ask for the date. Further, she’ll take you much more seriously than if you make plans via texting or G-chat. You’ll set this interaction apart from others, subtly making the point that she’s special enough to put in the effort of real-time communication.

This is no doubt what she’ll be wearing when you phone her up.

Step 4: Use the Word “Date”
Don’t ask her if she wants to hang out, get together or any other milquetoast euphemism. This isn’t any of that. That stuff was what you did back in high school and college when you were too scared to let your intentions be known. Now that you’re a man, you explicitly say what it is you’re going after.

Step 5: Be Casual
You’re asking her for a date, not her hand in marriage. Don’t make it a big deal. Call her up, engage in a little bit of banter, then ask for what you want as if it’s something that you do every day.

Step 6: Follow Up
You should follow up after you confirm the date. I don’t mean calling her every day between the day you ask and the night that you go out. I mean sending her a text message the day before mentioning that you’re looking forward to seeing her the next day. You can even do this in the course of other conversations, provided that you don’t lay it on too thick.

Bonus Tip: Have an Original Date
A lot of guys have trouble knowing what to do on a date. What makes for a good date varies from person to person, but as a rule, the obvious ones (coffee, dinner and a movie) are actually terrible first dates. Ditto on her coming by to hang out with you and your friends. There are five things a first date should be:

See, for her, rock climbing would be a good first-date activity.

>> Inexpensive: Don’t spend a ton of money trying to impress her.

>> Easy: It should be something that both of you can do without a lot of fuss. For some people hiking is easy. For others, it’s not.

>> Interactive: You want to be able to get to know her on the date. So it should offer ample opportunity for conversation. (This is why bowling, believe it or not, is better than a movie.)

>> One on One: Dates should never involve anyone but you and your date. No third, fourth or fifth wheels.

>> Controlled: You should have everything planned, but also be ready for deviations from that plan.

So there you have it. Now you know how to ask out a woman on a date, and what to do on it (see more tips in Score! Eight Great First Dates). Sure, it might be a little scary, but once you get two or three attempts out of the way, it will feel pretty natural. And it’s a skill you absolutely have to learn. Because if you’re tired of lingering in the friend zone, asking for a date like a man is your surest way out. Good luck!

It’s been said that 70 percent of all communication is nonverbal. As the owner of a social dynamics company, The Art of Charm, I couldn’t agree more. At The Art of Charm, we consistently preach that your body language is one of the most important things in your social game. When you’re chatting up a lady, your body language speaks a lot louder than your words. If you feel like you’re never getting the results you want when you head out to the bar or club, examining body language is a great first step toward improving your results.

It doesn’t matter what you actually think of yourself. When you trudge through life staring only at your shoes, people assume you have low self-confidence.

Here are five body-language traits that might be killing your chances to make a good first impression. Scrub these moves from your game, and you’ll be taking a big step toward demonstrating that oh-so-sexy charisma women crave.

1. Head Down
A lot of guys walk around with their eyes fixed squarely on the ground. The fact is, this sends the message to the world that you don’t think much of yourself. It doesn’t matter what you actually think of yourself—if you have a high self-opinion or a low one. When you trudge through life staring only at your shoes, people assume things about you. Since no one wants to be around someone with a low self-opinion, especially women, this is a true game-killer.

Quick Fix: Start walking around with your head up and your eyes fixed on an arbitrary point in the distance.

2. Grimace
I’ve got this one friend who basically seems incapable of smiling. He’s a super-nice guy, really friendly and outgoing, but people are invariably intimidated by him because he never smiles. More to the point, he’s got a perpetual scowl on his face that makes him look unapproachable. The irony is, he’s one of the easiest people to talk to in the world, but you’d never know it if you saw him on the street. Lucky for him he’s married. He’d never meet women with that angry mug of his.

Quick Fix: Before you head out, exaggerate a grin in front of a mirror for a few minutes, then settle into a more natural-looking smile that you keep on all night.

Eye contact: powerful enough to overcome a bad dress shirt.

3. Hunching
Another thing guys with low self-esteem do? Walk around with their shoulders down and hunched forward. This is a reflexive biological behavior in which you’re trying to make yourself as small as possible to avoid a perceived threat. But we’re not in trees anymore, and the chances of a tiger coming along and eating you are slim. All you’re communicating when you hunch over is that you don’t have a lot of confidence in yourself.

Quick Fix: Do a lot of stretching before you head out and pay attention to your own stance, correcting yourself every time that you hunch forward. A more long-term solution? Core exercises, which make your trunk stronger and improve your posture.

4. Bad Eye Contact
When you go out in public, even if you’re not staring at the ground, you need to look at people. We encourage students at The Art of Charm boot camps to look away from whomever they’re looking at every two seconds or so. But you don’t need to worry about any of that. The majority of men are making insufficient eye contact with others, not too much.

Quick Fix: Play the eye-color game. Make a note of the eye color of everyone you talk to. This will get you started making the right amount of eye contact with a girl right off the bat.

Maybe save this particular pose till after you’ve won a gold medal…

5. Self-Touch

Get your minds out of the gutters, guys. When I say “self-touch,” I mean all the different ways that guys touch themselves in public to relieve anxiety. Called “pacifying gestures,” these can be anything from drumming on your chest to putting your hands in your pockets to folding your arms. It’s another way that you communicate boredom and a lack of confidence, two things that are going to kill your game.

Quick Fix: Stand in front of a mirror with your hands at your sides. Stand there for a few minutes until it feels natural. Make a note of how you look and feel. Then, each time you go through a doorway, try to reset your body language into this upright, neutral, confident position. Remember, the mind follows the body, and the body follows the mind. So if you can get your body language in order, confident, attractive mindsets will soon follow. And what follows that? High-quality women, of course.

The 10 Most Annoying Things Men Do in Relationships

I love you; you’re great; I’m so happy we’re together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We may be in one of the best relationships ever, but that doesn’t mean either of us is perfect—especially not you. Ever wonder what your most annoying habits as a boyfriend are? Chances are, they’re on this list—and you should drop ’em fast unless you want to go the way of Don and Betty…

When you were single, you got to grow your facial hair as long as you wanted and no girlfriend told you to shave it. When you were single, you slept alone in your Buzz Lightyear bedsheets most nights, too.

1. Pay for dinner, then make us feel like you just saved us from the next bubonic plagueI’m all for chivalry. Open doors, bring me flowers, and sure, pay for dinner if you want. But keep in mind a gesture is only nice if you do it humbly. If you’re going to take me out to an awesome meal and then make me feel guilty or use it as leverage for the next month, then no thanks—I’d rather buy my own steak, thankyouverymuch.

2. Assume you know how we’ll feel about somethingOh, you didn’t go to that game with your buddies because you knew I’d want you home? And you didn’t tell me that you broke my mug because you knew I’d be mad? Here’s an idea: Instead of assuming what my reaction will be to something—happy, sad, excited, pissed—let me actually react myself and we’ll avoid plenty of confusion.

3. Force your eating habits on usI get it, you still think you’re a growing boy and you can’t end the day until you have a seven-course dinner complete with a protein, a side, something crunchy and something sweet. But I don’t feel the need to eat like that every night—sometimes I’m cool with having a frozen tamale (I mean, I’ll microwave it) for dinner, and that’s more than enough for me. Just because we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean I suddenly have the same body mass and metabolism as you—let me and my meager meal be.

4. Plan absolutely nothing in advanceSure, now that we’re past the courting phase, you don’t need to give me a week’s notice for every date. But just because we’re in a relationship doesn’t mean my entire schedule is reserved for you. Give me at least a few days’ notice when you want to go on a special date, or to your friend’s party. That way, I won’t be forced to reject you because I already committed to something else.

5. Expect everything to be fine five seconds after a fight
Yes, fighting happens in relationships, it’s only natural. And yes, sometimes we may get in fights that seem silly in retrospect. But, even if that’s the case, I usually need some time to cool off afterward. Call me crazy, but I don’t operate my emotions with the flip of a switch, and I can’t go from yelling at each other to spooning and watching Orange is the New Black in a matter of five minutes. And I’m not going to think that text with the kitten emoticon is cute—until the next day.

The guy just has a way with women, you know?

6. Act like a completely different person around your friendsI’m not saying I expect you to call me cuddle bear and talk about your feelings when we’re out with your friends (actually, I never want you to call me cuddle bear; think of a more original nickname, please). But I’d rather not see you revert to some trying-too-hard frat boy the second we get in the same room as them. Being cool and being mature aren’t actually mutually exclusive, you know.

7. Refuse to take a stance on anythingWhen I ask you for your opinion on something—whether it’s which dress I should wear to our friends’ wedding or how to deal with that tricky family argument—I’m asking because I actually want an answer. “Do whatever makes you happy” isn’t a noble thing to say; it’s a cowardly one. Grow a pair and let me know how you really feel.

8. Make fun of our friends/familyLet’s be clear: I can vent, and maybe even talk a little smack, about my friends and family when I’m pissed off about something. You, however, cannot. They’re my friends, not yours—off limits.

9. Refuse to evolve past your single styleWhen you were single, you got to grow your facial hair as long as you wanted and no girlfriend told you to shave it. When you were single, you slept alone in your Buzz Lightyear bedsheets most nights, too. Time to step it up a notch, kid.

10. Be a TV hypocriteYou can’t make an overly dramatic protest about having to watch Real Housewives (even though I know you love it anyway), and then fail to even acknowledge when I quietly watch football or golf on Sunday. All. Day. Long. You just can’t.

Relationships, it seems, nowadays are at their own whole new level of description, in fact ,they are more of undefined; or rather they exist, yet, are non-existent. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not by any way trying to be cynical like a pessimist; I am merely being a realist here. I refuse to call a situation where – a very sane man and an equally sane lady meet only when they have sexual needs to be met – a relationship. It seems that these days sex trumps intelligence and has surpassed commonsense.

What happened to the proper days when a couple would enjoy spending quality time together to get to know and appreciate each other better? What happened to the days when dates were precious, exciting and to be longed for? What happened to the days when men were powerful rigorous hunters that would mark their preferred prey, vigilantly watch over them and in due time, strike them without any draw-backs whatsoever? Where did the pride, the delicate ego vanish into?

I know you have a thousand and one excuses right know. Blame it on the tight job schedules; on the lack of enough time to spend together; on the inevitable thing called change……blame it on whatever you want to! I still disagree completely. I am no prude, but I struggle to understand. Have women actually abandoned their ‘hard-to-get’ title thereby allowing men to become too lazy to pursue them? It certainly makes you wonder what the future holds.

It’s embarrassing that couples are more of slimy snails enclosed in perfectly appealing shells. How many even know the second names, or the real name of their sexual partners? How many even recall their faces after a one-night stand? This is desperation and recklessness at its best.

Ladies, real men still love the hard-to-get type, they still love to sweat for their prey, they still crave that adrenal testosterone rush that comes with wanting what you haven’t gotten; it excites every ounce of their beings so much, they’d do anything for you. Ladies, you are the most powerful beings…but only before you let them have a taste of your cookie, then you become just some passing wind. The scales that judge men and women are obviously different. So, ladies, if you want to be treated like queens again, it’s all on you. Spin that dismantled web!!

Love is meant to be beautiful and everything nice and a relationship between two people who love each other should be as exciting, effortless and fulfilling. A relationship that leaves you stressed and hurt every other time is prolly one that you shouldnt be in at the first place. A potentially abusive relationship shows all signs of being one and that is why you shouldnt just blindly be in love with someone without first taking time to love yourself.

We’ve seen or heard a lot of cases of Love gone sour even to extremes of spouses killing each other and many a times we ask ourselves whether they never saw it coming. The truth is no one plans to be in an abusive relationship and according to research, many of the women who manage to escape from such a relationship swear to themselves that they will never go into another one like that only for them to unfortunately land in another one. Even unfortunate is the fact that statistics show that it takes an average of five to seven acts of violence before a woman makes the big decision to leave her abuser.

The best and most effective way to prevent such an incident is by not getting so deep into such a relationship at the first place. To be safe, You should keep your eyes wide open to detect the early signs of one.Here are a few signs of a potentially abusive relationship,

1. He comes on too strong – He will utter words like “I’ve never loved anyone like this before.” its only normal that words like this will pressure you into commitment but most of the times are signs of an obsessive partner.

2. He shows alot of jealousy- If he is excessively possesive, throws tantrums over petty issues and doesnt potray trust in you.

3. He is controlling- If you have to explain your wherabouts and actions every other time and He interrogates you intensely about everything to the extent you feel like a prisoner, then you should be worried.

5. He cuts you off from people-He tries to spoil your relationship with your family and friends in one way or another.

6.He uses force during sex sometimes jokingly If He enjoys mishandling you or forces you to engage in unwanted sex acts then you should be worried.

8. He abuses you verbally- If he is constantly dissing you, talking to you in a manner that is degrading or using vulnerable points in your past/life against you.

9. He sets rigid gender roles- If he is too traditional and believes that a woman’s place is at home and expects you to serve and worship him just because he is a man.

10. He experiences abrupt mood swings-He is happy and loving one minute and the next he goes to angry and incontrollable.

11. He has a past of violence-If he has hit women in the past but is not sorry and explains it as a case where the woman pushed him to.

12. If he threatens you with violence-If he threatens you with statements like “I’ll break your teeth,” but then explains himself with “I really didn’t mean it.” and you let it go merely cause he didnt do it, you are just heating the oil that will fry your ass.

Being constantly chatted up by strange men in a bar would probably drive anyone to drink.

In a guest post, Girl on the Net ponders the supposed inequality of sexual opportunity. A man walks into a bar and offers sex to anyone who's interested and is laughed out of the room. A woman walks into a bar and does the same and she's inundated with horny suitors. Is this really how it works? Being constantly chatted up by strange men in a bar would probably drive anyone to drink.

It's Christmas – the season for making merry, going out and, if you're single, trying to snog people under the mistletoe before the pubs close. So I thought it would be a good time to look at one of the oldest assumptions in the Men vs Women book: can women get sex whenever they want, while men are doomed to wait on the sidelines until our sexual fancy falls upon them?

I don't like the bar example. First, and most obviously, it is not universally true. There are women (and I am one of them) who have walked up to guys in bars, asked them for sex, and been flat-out refused. Likewise I've known men who have been able to get quick and easy sex with very little effort.

Second, not only does the bar example prop up unhelpful stereotypes about men (that they always want sex, because biology and testosterone and grrr), it also drives a hammer-blow into the self-esteem of any woman who has been turned down for a casual shag. Claiming that women can get sex just by clicking their fingers sets horny women up for a lifetime of disappointment, and gives men a reputation they can never possibly live up to.

But science says so!

If you're into odd sexual studies, like me, you'll probably be thinking ofthe Russell Clark experiment. In 1978, at Florida State University, students directed by Clark (a social psychology professor), approached people of the opposite sex at random and all asked the same question:

"I have been noticing you around campus. I find you to be attractive. Would you go to bed with me tonight?"

Not one of the women approached said "yes" to this proposition, but 75% of the men did. Assuming that men aren't simply aroused by awkwardly worded sentences, let's see why this might be the case.

Clark believed there was an evolutionary reason: women had evolved to be more selective about their partners than men. He backs this up by pointing to another part of the experiment (which, curiously, is much less commonly cited) that when the proposition changed to "would you like togo out with me tonight?" men and women accepted the proposition in roughly equal proportions. Others have suggested that it's about socially learned behaviour: women are taught not to look too "easy". Yet others have suggested that it's more about risk aversion: saying "yes" to a horny stranger opens women up to potential dangers.

I suspect we're affected by a combination of those factors, but that doesn't matter for this discussion, because I'm going to take the conclusions of the experiment as read: women will have a greater hit rate than men if they approach strangers and ask them for sex.

Is all sex the same?

So – happy ever after, then? Presumably I, and all the rest of the women, can now simply pick and choose whom we want to have sex with and – with little to no effort on our part – entice them into bed, orgasm ourselves rigid, and frolick forever in our sexual Utopia? Well no, obviously. It almost goes without saying that people want different kinds of sex. You might like giving head, whereas I'd prefer it if you gave me a hand job. I might like it rough and quick, while my friend wants to make much more gentle love. The fact that we all differ in preferences is obvious if you've watched any porn, read a book, or seen any human interaction ever.

Although the bar example seems to show women in a very privileged and powerful position – the ones who hold the keys to the sexual kingdom, if you like – what is actually on offer is a very limited type of sex: casual, quick, no-strings-attached sex with a stranger. This is problematic, because even if we accept the "women can easily get sex" proposition as true, we're not saying that women can fulfil their sexual needs easily, only that women can have this specific type of sex easily.

I'm happy to admit that women might be less inclined (although not universally disinclined – there are plenty of us on Craiglist too) towards casual sex with strangers, for one or all of the reasons stated above. But that doesn't mean that men necessarily have stronger sexual desire. It's possible that all the women approached in the bar are horny, or would love a shag, they just wouldn't want the kind of shag they'd imagine is on offer when a total stranger approaches them for a quickie.

Why is this example used?

This experiment has been repeated a few times since the original. You can see fun examples of it on YouTube, and Clark himself repeated it in 1982, and as recently as 1990 (with similar results). Failing any dramatic changes in societal norms around sex, I'd expect the results to be similar if it were repeated today.

But that's not particularly surprising. The experiment and the bar example both offer a very specific type of sex. The type of sex that, rightly or wrongly, is associated with male desire and fantasy. Whether this is fantasy is biologically led, socially implanted, or simply a massive and mistaken generalisation on our part, it is nevertheless accepted as true, and provides the foundation on which the bar example is built. Seen from this angle, the bar example fruitlessly begs the question, and amounts to no more than saying "men are likely to accept the kind of sex that we think men like".

This tells us nothing about levels of female sexual desire, or whether we are indeed in a privileged position when it comes to sex. In fact, any attempt to draw conclusions about female sexual need based on a sexual offer defined by male fantasy is as good an example of male privilege as anything else.

I like sex more than some people, but less than others. You like different types of sex to me. There are hundreds of different things that prompt our decision to say "yes" to this particular person but "no" to that one. But whether it's society, biology, anecdote or sheer loneliness that prompts our sexual interactions, it's deeply unhelpful to tell women that they are privileged just because they can walk into a bar and have casual sex. It's much more interesting, surely, to ask: why are we trying to define desire across an entire species by using this one limited sexual option?

While having s£x isn’t any boomer’s first rodeo, having wild monkey s£x may be less familiar. What’s wild monkey s£x? Imagine the hottest s£xual fantasies you ever conjured up, becoming your reality. But here’s the thing that makes it somewhat elusive; you won’t be having wild monkey s£x if you’re having casual s£x, because the wild monkey variety depends on a powerful heart connection. I can hear the boys’ chorus warming up. “This is just some emotional bullsh*t, right?” Wrong.

A Boat Missed
I’ve spent a lifetime being s£xual, but not in many truly loving relationships, and while s£x sometimes bordered on wild monkey, it rarely reached those heights. S£x has always been important to me, but I missed the wild monkey boat until I finally put s£x and love together. If you’ve never been deeply in love, not infatuated or kind of in love, then you’ve never had wild monkey s£x. The best casual s£x on the planet can’t hold a candle to the wild monkey version. Why? Fair question.

In Love We Trust
If you hope to have the ultimate s£xual pleasure, trust is a major factor. Considering that s£x is the most intimate interpersonal act, it isn’t much of a stretch to see how it’s closely tied to trust, particularly for boomers whose goal is to be in an enduring relationship. It’s also not difficult to grasp how fully trusting a s£xual partner can add to the quality of s£x with that person. Having your s£xual fantasies come to life is far more likely if you’re with a partner who isn’t thinking about feeling safe, and can be completely uninhibited instead.

No Limitations
Then there’s the pleasuring factor. If I love a woman, I’m going to knock myself out to please her s£xually, in any way she desires. I’m in a steamy, hot, loving relationship now, and there’s nothing either of us desires s£xually, that the other isn’t thrilled to provide. I’ve had very few casual s£xual experiences in which my partner was willing to completely let go of all her inhibitions and satisfy my every s£xual fantasy, without reservation. There’s always some holding back in casual s£x because there’s a degree of hesitation being s£xual with a veritable stranger you don’t know, especially today.

I Can’t Get No
There’s also the satisfaction factor. Casual s£x always left me feeling unsatisfied, the amount and duration, notwithstanding. At best, it was a few rungs above self-abuse, which every guy knows doesn’t really satisfy either. Satisfaction-wise, casual s£x is a distant second to wild monkey s£x.

A Body Roadmap
And there’s the familiarity factor, knowing what makes your partner monkey wild, that isn’t possible in casual s£x. I know my partner’s body down to the last freckle, and since we’re in love, we make each other’s s£xual pleasure tantamount. Casual s£x is generally more selfish and self-centered.

Explosive S£x
Pleasure-wise, there’s a world of difference between getting it on just to get off, and getting it on to make your partner’s s£xual world spin blissfully out of control. The incentive to make that a reality is driven by the love you feel for that person. The difference is a deep desire to make their world explode with intense pleasure, knowing they’ll make yours explode too, and out of love, not obligation. Fantasies aren’t going to become realities with a partner we don’t know and love. So wild monkey s£x remains out of reach. And, you can’t buy wild monkey s£x, because s£x for money isn’t remotely authentic.

The Ultimate Turn On
Loving s£x is wild, uncontrolled, uninhibited and without rules. Imagine every one of your s£xual fantasies becoming a reality, without ever having to ask, simply because your partner loves you, knows exactly what you like, and can’t wait to give it all to you. That’s not ever going to happen with someone who doesn’t love you and trust you. Having my sweetheart whisper “I love you”, while being s£xual, arouses me way more than a casual s£x partner screaming, “don’t stop, don’t stop,” ever did

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Depression: Unrealistic Expectations for Happiness?

Relationship Killer: “You should have known what I want…”

10 Signs You May Be in an Unhealthy Relationship

This is no doubt what she’ll be wearing when you phone her up.

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